The Camel and the Pumpkin
My dressing room mirror is my ally, the place where I look for quick approval of what I am wearing as well as more input as I debate between two or more outfits for fit and fashion. I depend on my mirror to alert me to clothing gaffes such as when my pants are too snug in the wrong places.
There are two main fit issues that change my pants from playing the quiet, supportive role in my ensemble to grabbing the spotlight as if trying to impress a casting agent from a low budget porn film.
The first is when the fabric on my behind stretches too tight and showcases the outline of my underwear. I can’t always tell and need my mirror to tell me the truth. The meandering ridge looks like the outline of the bottom half of a ripe pumpkin. This will not do! What’s a girl to do? I remember Brooke Shields as a teenage model revealing in a whisper voice that she didn’t have underwear on when wearing her Calvin Klein jeans. I, all of 10 or 11-years-old thought, “what a hussie!” Around the same time, my older sister told me she never wore underwear with her tight jeans. She added “Don’t tell Mom.” I was sure it was just a matter of time before God would cast a lightning bolt down into our house.
Once I see the pumpkin, the pants are stripped off and put back in the closet. I believe in the potential of my pants and optimistically envision the next time I will want to wear them, no lines will appear. Of course, I recognize there is a correlation between the snugness and the size of my rear end but there was at least one day when I wore those pants and they looked great. That day will come again... In the meantime, larger pants is where I go…except the fabric on some loose pants, such as silk or linen still show underwear bands. I love the fit and feel of a loose natural pant and so was happy when my friend Margie and I went shopping for summer pants. We found these soft, almost melting, beige linen pants and each bought one. She told me these pants needed to be worn with a thong. “Need? I don’t think so!” We tried them on for each other and the mirror agreed with her. Even though I loved the weave and fit of the pant, my underwear was stealing my attention! Arghh! I don’t recall if I admitted to her I had never touched a thong and had wild exaggerated ideas that if I wore a thong I might as well schedule my next playboy model shoot. But this was Margie…She’s refined, proper, and so I stifled my thoughts of her naughtiness and the next day bought a nude thong. That purchase might as well been a drug deal transaction -- take my money and give me my thong, no questions asked, no eye contact. I took it home to try on with my new linen pants. It took me three tries to figure out how one wears a thong. Seriously, it is a rubber band with a little fabric stubble. I tried on the linen pants with my normal cotton underwear and then with my thong. My mirror like the one in the locker room with Margie didn’t lie; the absence of a pumpkin ridge was a game changer.
The next truthful confession is slightly awkward for my shy nature but, it is a real dealbreaker and something I wish I knew about at a much younger age.
I was at a comedy club in Faneuil Hall, Boston when I first heard of camel toe. The joke was funny, the look is not. I was with a group of coworkers - men and women. He described it so graphically, I was mortified that I may have been walking around with camels in my crotch my whole life! Now I knew anytime I had had a snug feeling down there, all of humanity, led by the comedian, was lying in the wait, ready to throw a penalty flag. I told myself that it couldn’t be a ‘name that toe’ kind of stare but what is the tipping point to recognition? I do NOT look at women’s crotches. I don’t look at men’s, either. (Magazines don’t count.)
The cut of some pants creates an overly snug fit along the seam in the crotch. My mirror confirmed on some pants that crotch snugness= potential camel toe. Those pants go back in the closet hoping for a better showing the next time.
I wear comfortable pants of all cuts, forms. I choose pants to support my activity on any given day. Although utility is most important, I know that fit, particularly between my hips, matters. My mirror helps me keep the camels on the desert and the pumpkins on the vine.